Warning: This section contains adult themes.

It’s me dears, Vivian

Be warned fuckers, this issue isn’t suitable for children, Catholics or people who are too fucking easily offended. If you are any/all of those please FUCK OFF now.

Spotted: Queenie giving head to a Catholic Priest dressed as a school-boy. Hello fuckers, it’s me – Vivian. Trout-face [Queenie] is too busy this week with a client so I’m here to help. Aren’t you lucky? Getting just little old me to help out with all your puny problems? Now Trout-Face usually starts out with some little story, doesn’t she? Something funny and hugely offensive and usually straight away the emails come flooding in with complaints. It seems some people can’t FUCKING read. We do, after all, give you plenty of warning about what’s coming up. So fuckers if you decide to read it, despite warnings, DON’T FUCKING COMPLAIN TO ME. So for this week there will be no funny story – because I can’t be bothered to read the complaints.

You know I hate emails. You can’t burn a hate email or a complaining email. In the good old days of post I used to burn hundreds of hate letters every day. It used to give me so much pleasure burning something someone had spent hours writing our perfectly. Hours they’d spent writing how angry/upset they were that I fucking offended them. And all I’d do is throw it on the fire. Ah those were the days. All you can do with a fucking email is delete it – not half as satisfying!


Before I go, and don't seem so fucking pleased you're nearly at the end of my instalment, I have to pass coment that its frigging disturbing seeing a Thunderbirds puppet break dancing in that new advert for some tap water put in a bottle.. I imagine its something you see when you are fucking tripping not when watching television. I now feel a part of my childhood has been sexed up.. please don't continue this trend or Rosie and Jim will become a fucking pimp and ho before long.

Anyway time for more of your problems and remember you better keep sending them into us or else! 

Which celebrity couples do you despise the most?

Vivian: I fucking hate all celebrity couples darlings. If I wanted to know about their sex lives, arguments or dinner arrangement's I'd stalk the fuckers not read about it in Okay or Hello!


I'm having a 'dinner party' for some friends but I've never held a 'dinner party' before. Any tips?

Vivian: Plenty of lube and condoms and handcuffs are always good. 'Dinner Party' so fucking obviously means swingers party so just say it you stuffy middle-class bitch. If you want to go ahead with this charade though and pretend it's a 'dinner-party' I recommend ordering for the meal from the posh supermarket, less work for yourself and no insults about the fucking cooking. And you can always use their sausages to stuff up someone's arse while whipping them with a bag for life! Or if you're really posh, get your butler to do it.


What's the best position for sex?

Vivian: Social position or fucking position darling? If we're talking social then he has to be far up the social ladder and fucking loaded. If fucking positions then you can't beat doggy – but not dogging darling because that's just fucking vulgar.


Will you and Queenie do a celebrity version of Gladiators?

Vivian: Queenie and I have often thought about doing these celebrity shows. We've made up our minds we'd only do something like Celebrity Love Island or Who Wants to be a Millionaire? After all with Love Island you get a paid holiday and the prospect of romance – though considering most of the men in there are fucking munters we'll just be glad of the paid holiday and skip on the romance. And with Millionaire you can win a fortune and you pretend you gave it to charity. Well if its good enough for the bloody BBC darlings it's good enough for me and Queenie. And besides we need a holiday and a new house and a new car and a new rent boy. Queenie wore the last one out, bitch.

Edition Two: Follow The Yellow Brick Road

Edition One: The Bitches Are Back