Warning: This section contains adult themes. Prudes and young 'impressionable' people (who are no doubt mugging old dears and smoking pot) look away now.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road!

Now then darlings for all of you who are sensitive or prudes – fuck off now. This issue contains more bitch, vile and venom than an entire series of Footballes Wives and Dynasty put together – you have been warned! Don’t fucking write to me complaining if you read on!

I’ve been thinking darlings – dangerous I know. Vivian has gone in hiding because of it. She refuses to come out until stop it. Secretly I think she’s trying to beat Shannon Matthews and Maddie McCann’s record of hide and seek. Now that neatly brings me to what I was thinking about – and this is why prudes and sensitive people should stop fucking read. Honestly darlings you can’t even a crack a fucking joke or make a fucking funny story these days without some do-gooding fucker complaining.

I’m sorry darlings but we’re fucking British. We make jokes out of bad situations, it’s how we fucking cope. Look at the Blitz. Did we get all depressed and PC over it? Did we buggery! We put on a brave face and made humour out of it. Anyway, rant fucking over – for now. Anyway I was thinking has anyone thought of looking for Maddie in Oz? No darlings not fucking Australia but The Land of Oz. Maybe that Wicked Witch of the West kidnapped her. Or maybe The Wonderful Wizard of Oz? He was always a little suspect if you ask me. And lets face it they can find fuck all trace of Maddie anywhere else so maybe its time they checked Oz, Narnia, Middle Earth and all those other magical lands that exist out there.

But enough of that, its time for your problems. And don’t forget to keep sending them in! Email us or post them at the soapzone facebook group!

Who is Gossip Boy? I'm too afraid to go out now knowing he is stalking the streets of London. I don't want my antics spread across the net.

Vivian: I don't have a fucking clue who Gossip Boy is because the Twats That Be, aka the Powers That Be, have decided his identity must be protected. So my little gay slut if you do venture out to Soho beware of who is watching you – forget Big Brother, he's a pussy compared to fucking Gossip Boy.


Can you set me up on a date with Mikey-K

Queenie: Sorry is this Blind Fucking Date? Am I Cilla bloody Black? Er no I ain't so fuck off to a dating agency. Oh and he's gay you silly bitch, so unless your a chick with a dick he isn't interested.

Is it wrong to fantasy about sleeping with my son's friends? He's 23 and has some real hot and hunky friends. I just can't help but fantasy about them. Am I wrong?

Queenie: Oh god a Dear Deirdre style question. Well my sex-staved, desperate house-wife seeing as your son's friends are 18 it's not half as bad as it could be! You're still a cradle snatching dirty ho though.


I hate you almost as much as I hate Shelia's Wheels. I hope both of your cars crash and burn.

Vivian: As I told you last week, you c*nt, coming from an in-bred, pikey, twat like yourself that's a compliment. Now fuck off and try to sell some dodgy tarmac to some coffin-dodging, piss stinking, O.A.P.

Edition One: The Bitches Are Back