The Twats That Be at NewsZone Towers have decided that Vivian and I need to be “hip” and “in” with the youngsters – or criminals as we prefer to call them – and get a Facebook profile. Now we told the fuckers where to get off and they threated to hand us over to the Portuguese authorities for people smuggling so we've gotten ourselves Facebook profiles.

Can't you tell darlings I'm just thrilled at the prospect of some chavy, criminally minded, spotty, ginger teen writing on my wall or commenting on my photos. But blackmail is blackmail and I've done enough of it in my time to know when I am beaten. So all we need do is you internet savvy, facebook-addicted little teens to add us as your friends – and you WILL add us or else! Just search for Vivian Herpes-Summers or Queenie Le Trout and you'll find us – or else.

The Bitches are BACK – BE AFRAID!

Well fuck me! After four long – very long – months in the wilderness we’ve finally made it back to NewsZone Towers – or whatever the fuck it’s called now. God darlings it’s good to be back in civilised company.. ..hmm okay it’s good to be back in half civilised company. Now you may be wondering where the hell Vivian and I have been for the past FOUR months, that’s a good question. I on the other-hand would like to know whether I could get a refund on those four wasted months!

It all started at Christmas when Vivian and I went over to Portugal for a short Christmas break. On our return Vivian decided to smuggle one or two of the cute hotel porters back to England with us or – at least she tried. But she was discovered and after a fight with the Portuguese authorities we managed to escape and fled into the countryside.

After laying low for a few weeks – mainly because we thought that fool Clarence Mitchell was about to declare anyone who had ever been to Portugal as a likely suspect in that girls disappearance – we made our way back to England. What took so long to get back? Well darlings obviously we couldn’t go by air after Vivan’s attempted people smuggling. So we had to travel through Portugal, Spain and France on a tractor. If I ever see another fucking tractor..’s a good job we’re city girls and not country folk because they’d be a spate of tractor vandalism darlings!

Anyway now we are back! We’re back to help you with your puny, miserable lives and your pathetic little problems. So do keep sending them in. This issue will be filled with some of those sent in during our prolonged absence – only the best ones though. To be quite fucking frank we don’t have the time – and we can’t be bothered – to answer all five thousand problems sent to us during these part four months. I mean do we fucking look like priests of Jeremy fucking Kyle? I think not!

Dear Queenie and Viv I’ve been with my boyfriend now for a year and I really love him. However, he feels that our sex life has dipped a little and wants to spice it up by having a threesome – at first I was quite keen on the idea until he said he wanted the threesome to be with a woman. I don’t want to have a threesome with a woman but I don’t want to let my boyfriend down. What can I do?

Vivian: First off what a fucking cheek! Saying your sex life has dipped and needs spicing up. Excuse me Casanova but it takes two to fucking tango! It seems perfectly reasonable to me not to want a threesome with a woman – you two are in a gay relationship after all. Just tell him you don’t want a threesome with a woman and if he don’t like it he knows where the door is.

Queenie: There are many ways you can spice up your sex life without bringing in a third party. Role play is one such way and another is having sex in different places. Booking into a hotel for sex, sex in the car, on the beach. If he does really want a threesome tell him you want it to be with another guy first, he might find he likes it so much he forgets all about a woman!


I hope your car crashes and burns, bitches.

Vivian: Coming from you that’s a compliment you in-bred pikey cunt.


I reali like my gf & wanna marry her but I ain’t sure if she likes me or not.

Queenie: Marriage is a HUGE commitment, just ask Vivian – she’s had four of them. And if you aren’t sure your girlfriend – it’s girlfriend dear not GF – likes you then that says it all.


My boyfriend always comes before I do and leaves me unsatisfied, what can I do?

Vivian: Get a new boyfriend or a vibrator.

Queenie: How about – now radical fucking idea here – sitting down with your boyfriend and telling him? You two need to talk to each other and work out a way you can have sex where both of you get satisfied. As a company once said it’s good to fucking talk.


How can I get revenge on my fucking ex boyfriend?

Queenie: Revenge on ex’s is Vivian’s speciality.

Vivian: I find destroying every aspect of their life the perfect form of revenge and most satisfying – also perfect for your skin. Prank phone calls and poison pen letters are so fucking old fashioned though. If you know any secrets about him its time to reveal them my little bunny boiler. And take the fuckers friends away from him. One day I’ll write a book about revenge on ex’s, it’ll be a best fucking seller. And a much better read than Harry fucking Potter.


Is it wrong to date a ginger chav?

Queenie: The fact you even have to ask says a lot about the current state of this country! Don’t be a fucking moron, of course its wrong!

Vivian:  Wrong to fucking date a ginger chav? I’m sorry did I read that correct? This minger is not only a fucking chav but also GINGER! Surely that answers your question???? The day gingers become acceptable to fuck or date is the day I move to fucking Froggy land.

Got a question for Queenie and Vivian? Email them by clicking here